"Remember Why You're Here"

It’s been a rough couple of weeks.  

Ever since September arrived, I’ve been struggling with missing my brothers (my 2^nd brother Kevin died on Labor Day 2005 and this year's anniversary was particularly rough), plus being frustrated in new surroundings – feeling lost and alone. 

Now I know this is something I have to go through but I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to do it alone.  But that’s fine, life goes on. 

Still, as the frustration mounts with every obstacle, the stress level.  The emotional stress has of course led to physical pain and the combo has me just wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. 

But that’s Big D and AD working together to bring me down … and I decided today that I wasn’t going to let them win. 

Despite not being able to leave the apartment like I wanted to—and desperately needed to – today, I said f*** it, I’m going to get something done.  So I decided to try to organize my little corner of the universe. 

Packed my bag a little better, since clothes were spilling out, Organized my little cubby under the coffee table, Bagged up my laundry, etc.  

I turned on Erykah Badu’s Badu Live and then Mama’sGun. 

By the time both had played all the way through, I was feeling a little better. 

I was about to take a break when I saw a binder that I’d made for school. I thought I’d emptied the contents of the summer semester out but it was still heavy.  I opened it to find my two photography portfolios and a 4x6 photo frame.  Unsure of what the photo was, I turned it around and saw that another photo was covering the framed photo (face down).  I pulled the unframed photo off and saw that both photos were of me and my brothers. 

One of me and Kevin at my 2001 graduation from LSU, and the other of me and Anthony when I was just a baby. 

I instantly felt so silly for all the things I was stressing over.  And I knew I found this to bring me back to my center.  

I swear to you, the minute I saw the photos a thought came to me … Almost as if they put it in my mind:

“Remember why you’re here” ...

I remember when Anthony was in ICU, right before he died, I told him I wasn’t going to my graduation.

He got a little upset with me and told me that no matter what happened, I was to go to commencement and walk across that stage.  He said that’s why I went through all that I went through, and I earned it.

My brother died one week before my graduation.  I buried him on a Tuesday and the following Thursday, I walked across that stage and got my degree.   

So as I caressed those photos, I felt like it was reminder of why I’ve been through all of this, and to remember why I’m here.  My brother’s didn’t get to finish college because of their health.  I did. 

Now I’m here chasing dreams that they weren’t able to …. And I can’t let anything stop me. 

The pain I feel is nothing compared to what they went through. That’s why I try to never complain about my physical ailments – because I know there are people who have it worse.

So I’m not going to complain now.  I’m going to deal with as best as I possibly can … push through … and get what I deserve.  No matter what.

I'm not here for anyone but me.  And if I have to do this alone, then so be it.  After doing for everyone else all my life ... I think I have the right to be a little selfish.  

I've earned it. 

Shout to my angels for the reminder.