Me & NYC

Ever since I left NYC during a week-long visit back in 2006, I felt like it was where I needed to be.  

Not just wanted  – but needed. 

I carried the spirit of the city back to Louisiana with me and it has lingered ever since.

Years later I made a decision that in 2013, I would make the big move. 

I came back to my hometown after graduating college in 2001 to help raise my niece and nephew, who were left fatherless after my brother died. 

My niece was graduating from high school in 2013 and I figured that would be the perfect time to spread my wings and head back to the city that inspired me so.

When 2012 ended, I didn’t know if I’d be ready to uproot and move so far away with no family to support me when I got there. But by the time January 2013 ended, I knew I was ready … and with friends having recently moved there, I felt like I wouldn’t be alone once I made the transition. 

So the planning began. I wanted to move that summer, right before my 35th birthday so I could hopefully celebrate as a new resident of NYC.

Plan A had already been thwarted when I wasn’t accepted to film school, so I was depending on Plan B, staying with some of the friends from my hometown who had offered me residence until got on my feet.

I don’t know whether I was being too bothersome (I contacted one of them nearly every day for beginning January 1st), or whether the offer to help had expired, or what – but after months of attempting to communicate about it, I finally gave up just a couple of months before my birthday.


I turned 35 at home, alone … Though I felt defeated, I still had hope ...    

After I’d given up on communication with the hometown friends, I began communicating with a Facebook friend and fellow artist/photographer. 

As I worked on Plan C, I’d asked him (and many other social media friends who lived in NYC) about temporary housing, so I’d have somewhere to stay, he told me a hostel or other temp housing was no place for me … and offered his extra room. He said that he had someone help him when he first moved there and he’d love the chance to pay it forward. 

We communicated for a while and even met in person when he came home (he’s from this area too) to do some work with a few local musicians. It was a great opportunity to see if we meshed. I had no problem having a guy as a roommate but I needed to feel his vibe ... and after a coffee date, I felt like we would vibe just fine. So it was a go.

Now, even though my moving date was postponed (now to November), my plans to move out of my apartment still went through – one of the most stressful and emotional things I’ve had to do in a long time. 

Not only was it heart-breaking leaving my residence of the past ten years – and consequently, my independence -- but having to move back into the (often negative) environment back at my childhood home was not an easy transition. But I tried to think positive … I felt like now that I had a new plan, being back in that house wouldn’t be so intolerable.

My new date for moving away was in November. I wanted it to be symbolic so I chose 11-12-13 … but after having spent so much on my move-out, I decided to give myself a bit more time and just stay through the holidays. My new date changed to late January of 2014. I alerted my future roomie and he was fine with it.

Since our face-to-face, the future roomie and I had been communicating by phone (calls or text). I wasn’t able to Skype at my parents’ house and he’d deactivated his page. But I felt we were keeping contact pretty regularly considering both our crazy schedules.

Right around Thanksgiving, I’d texted him and asked for his email address because I had a plethora of questions and things to tell him that was too much to text. So I just emailed him everything.

After a few days I still hadn’t received a reply, so I texted to tell him to check his inbox in case he hadn’t already. After about a week, still no reply. So I texted … then called … for weeks. Nada.

At first I thought maybe something was wrong. Was he hurt … or worse? Or maybe he was in jail? Problem was … I had no one to contact to confirm that.

Once again I felt I was being bothersome by calling and texting every day.  Still, all the calls and texts were in vain. To this day, I still haven’t talked to him and that was late November. 

And look, I completely understand that things happen and plans change ... but communication is key and being left in the dark (again) just had me like W-T-F?


After the holiday madness ceased and the New Year rang in … the realization that I was back at square one set in, which gave way to a double dose of depression and anxiety.

I’d sacrificed much of my moving money to make the holidays special for my family (who decided to stay home at the last minute), so I had little time to get together the funds I needed to still attempt to make it to Fashion Week at the begin of February (since I now I had to pay for lodging). I had no clue what my next move was.


So I took a week to gather my thoughts, write and most of all PRAY.

Every time my anxiety about living in such a big city overcomes me, I wonder if maybe I should just stay put. Every time someone says something negative about my desire to relocate there, I wonder if their fears for me hold some truth. 

Every setback has me wondering if maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t go. And then the rare times I’d asked for help and completely depended on and trusted people, I was let down – not once, but twice. So maybe this just isn’t for me?

All of that has crossed my mind more than once. But then I realize that no matter how afraid I am or how overwhelming it may be, or how alone I may feel at first --- it’s what I want. And for one of the few times in my 35 years, I plan to go for what I want.

Though I have regretted many things I didn’t do in my life, I’ve never regretted pursuing what I wanted.  And honestly, being knocked down so many times makes me want it even more.  (Strange but true).

So I’m not giving up. As I said before, I’m delayed but not defeated.

I’m not depending on anything but faith from now on … and by HIS grace I will be in NYC before the summer.

I will hustle, I will grind, I will do whatever it takes – On My Own. Heck, that’s what I’ll have to do to when I get to where I’m going – at least for a while.

And maybe that’s the message God is trying to send. 

That I need to invest in, depend on and trust in Him to carry me through … That I can accept help but never totally depend on it … and to make this move on my own.

Whether that’s the message he intended to send or not, at the end of my emotional week, that’s what was in my heart. So I’m going to do just that.

I know now who I can truly count on and I thank everyone who helped and prayed for me up to this point. Please continue to do so at your will. But now it’s time for me to spread my wings and truly fly on my own – and chase MY dreams.

I don’t have a new date. I’m almost afraid to set one. But I do have a new focus on this long-awaited desire to live my best life and finally use my talents to the fullest.

I’ll see again you soon NYC … 

That you can count on. 

xoxo

- kw

Reflections : Lessons Learned In 2013

I spent my new year with my first love … Writing. 

I stopped going out on NYE years ago and since my family is out of town and I have no significant other, it was just me and my laptop ringing in 2014.  I basically journaled my way into the New Year. 

Reflecting on 2013, I recall some highs, but a lot more lows.  Many triumphs but many more defeats … most of which were never shared with the public. 

Some of it I still won’t talk about … but I will say that 2013 was the year of Lessons Learned and I just wanted to share a few:

Lesson 1: DATING SUCKS …

Personally, 2013 was another year abstinent and single.  I vowed not to “date” this year, but did try to put myself out there a little more.  I learned that the dating scene is pretty much the same.  You have to entertain a lot of lying-ass toads to find ONE that is halfway dateable.  However, I did learn that I was admired from afar, and thankfully – for once -- it wasn’t just because of lustful desires.  

Unfortunately, the rest of my male interests were not so cultured and contributed to a lot of WTF moments and reaffirmed that I needed to remain on the no-nookie list.  I even had a few instances where lost loves of the past tried to interrupt my present, and I was simply not having it.   So I guess you could say that even though I didn’t get to date as much as I would’ve liked, I remained strong in my convictions – and that was a win.  

If being true to myself means remaining single then so be it --- because the man for me would respect my choice.  I’ll just keep hoping we eventually run into each other J

Lesson 2: WHEN YOU’RE DOWN, YOU LEARN WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE ….

Also in my personal life this year, I discovered (yet again) the meaning of friendship.  As I stated before, there were many lows. 

There were times where I didn’t want to get out of bed or my apartment.  There were days where I cried for no reason.  Days that Big D and AD double-teamed me and left me emotionally battered and bruised.  I recovered, as I always do.  But in 2013, for the first time in a LONG time, I decided to swallow my pride and reach out for help… and the result was a life-changing lesson. 

My mental health was out of control and it was affecting me personally and professionally … I felt like my life was in danger.  I needed some time off from grad school and work, to focus on my health.  

So I reached out to everyone I knew … people I’d helped in the past, people I’d let bend my ear and cry on my shoulder, people whose businesses I’d assisted or patronized, and people who I considered friends … I asked for prayers, for them to share my business page, and for financial assistance so I could take this much-needed break.  For thefirst time I shared things only my best friend ever knew I was going through.

I exposed myself – and I hate doing that – but I did it to get help.  And even though I have over 1000 thousand friends each on twitter and Facebook, only FIVE came to my aid financially (thank you all!) and less than a DOZEN shared my pages or offered their help in other ways.  It really opened my eyes. 

I didn’t expect to meet my goal.  I didn’t expect to be able to take that time … but I expected more from these people who I’d helped numerous times and who called me a Friend.  When it was all said and done, I got the break anyway … and God provided the money I needed … but the whole situation left a sour taste in my mouth and I go into the New Year knowing who TRULY has my back … and for that lesson I’m forever grateful. 

I don’t need a lot of friends but I do need true friends – and I’m glad to know I have a few in my corner if/when I need them.

Lesson 3: BAD BUSINESS CAN KILL A FRIENDSHIP …

Another lesson I learned in 2013 is that sometimes friends and business don’t mix, especially when people use your friendship to take advantage of your business. 

I did some A&R work for artists who were my friends before the contract … free work … as long as they handled business.  Sometimes communication and work ethic slacked and things didn’t get done.  But when I stood up for myself reminding them of the fees and time I was sacrificing, I became the enemy.  I was looked at like I’d gone crazy and had no right to call them out.

When I literally had a breakdown and didn’t get one item on the agenda accomplished, it was over.  I felt so betrayed because I’d worked so hard and now it was like I was nothing to them.  It definitely wasn’t business … it was personal. We’re cool now, but it took some time to get back there.  I think we all (or at least most of us) learned from the situation … Business Must Come First and Details Must Be Discussed Up Front. 

… In another instance a friend asked me to shoot some things for an upcoming event that would later be turned into a mini-documentary.  An offer of payment was given up front but I couldn’t quote a price because I had no idea how much work was involved before shooting. 

I did the work, even gave more than was asked. More than six months later, I still haven’t been compensated, even though my work is being used for promotion and social media (which I created).  When I tried to discuss the matter with the friend and parties involved, I was blown off … so now I have to get formal – and legal – over the matter. 

It always kills me when people claim to be professionals, and continue to ask for your help, but when things go wrong, they don’t go out of their way to make it right.   It almost felt like a FWB situation … using someone for a season and then disposing of them when they ask for too much.  I hate Users, and when it’s someone you considered a friend, it hurts even more.  

     Even with these disheartening situations, a lot of good came out of the experiences.  I created some great work, even if I never saw a dime for it.  But I know next time that I need a more detailed contract, including consequences if it is breached.  Can’t ignore business for friendship ever again. 

Lesson 4: FRIENDSHIPS SOMETIMES HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE …

I never thought I’d believe that but it’s true.  There truly are people who are in your life for only a season. Even if that season is a decade or two, sometimes you end up outgrowing each other. 

There are friends that I don’t talk to but a few times a year but they will always be my friend … and when we DO talk, we fall right back into that groove.  Then there are others who I see more often but we sometimes have to take breaks from each other because we have very different lifestyles.  Maybe they have kids and feel like I can’t relate since I don’t … Or maybe they go MIA because of a new relationship and I get put on the back burner … But those are the friendships I think that end up expiring. No matter where life takes you, I think friends should be supporting you on the way – not just when it benefits them. 

I also feel like there should be no secrets with a real friend, especially when it kind of involves them.  I learned in 2013 of a big secret a friend was keeping that she still hasn’t revealed to this day.  I’ve been deceived and betrayed by friends and best friends too many times before so I’m the type to cut my losses the minute I smell bullshit.  I won’t forget these [fair-weather] friends, I just won’t invest anymore time or energy into people who don’t seem to respect or value my friendship. 

Lesson 5: YOU DON’T GET COLLEGE CREDIT FOR RESILIENCE …

As most people know I’m a graduate student and have been on this non-stop journey for 3 years now – Much longer than anticipated.   

I originally aspired to go to film school but after receiving a rejection letter, I took the safer option to pursue a Master’s in Counseling.  This may have been a mistake, but after so much time spent, I’m to the point where I just want to finish. 

After my former school changed my program requirements, I transferred to an online program that was focused on the niche I wanted to pursue – Career Counseling.  The online school is a lot more expensive and I came to learn after a rough start that it’s a LOT more work.  I didn’t mind the work – but when it’s compounded by health problems, family issues and entrepreneur life, it’s a lot more to deal with. 

I was making it though … until last year.  This one class just seemed to be the one I couldn’t get through.  It wasn’t MY fault that people didn’t want to tell their problems on camera for this Techniques class but I ended up not passing it because of so many flaky mock clients.  I was already in melt-down mode and close to burning out when I was allowed to retake the class.  Not even a month into classes, a friend of my died – and I went into full panic mode … so much so that it took me another month to recover.  I bounced back and was able to complete the requirements for the course but I guess it was too little, too late and I got a C in the course. 

In case you were wondering, grad school hates Cs … so I was put on academic probation and threatened to have my financial aid cancelled.  With only one week in between quarters, it was not enough time to appeal.  Plus I was in the middle of a major transition – moving out of my apartment – which was another emotional experience.  I decided then and there to take a leave of absence before I completely lost my mind. 

When I finally appealed I was told that my mental health problems, family issues, car trouble, business duties, the inability to find mock clients (again) for the class, my friend’s death, etc … were no reason for getting a C … and that the supporting documents were not acceptable.  As for my health problems – no doctor’s note = unacceptable.  Without health insurance, I can’t go see a real doctor or counselor and even clinics still cost something … and the ER? Forgetaboutit.  So the school and I are now at an impasse. 

This break has given me a renewed spirit because I was able to focus on ME for a while … but the fact that this school cares nothing about my personal struggle is what’s really unacceptable to me. I know they’re in it to make money, but do I really want to go back to a school that cares nothing about me to pursue a career in which I’m supposed to help people through their struggles only to have my own deemed irrelevant? 

Discussion points they care about.  APA format they care about.  My struggle? Not so much.  Sigh.  And the battle continues …

Lesson 6:  SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE CRUCIAL … 

When I was going through my orientation for my new grad school, they had a list of characteristics that makes a successful online grad student. One of things was a support system. 

I’ve always been an independent person, even as a child – but I kind of HAD to be.  I was a latchkey child at 9 or 10 years old, and creativity was born from being alone a lot.  Writing literally saved my life.  

As an adult, living alone, I feel forgotten about sometimes – just like I did as a child.  Back then my sick brothers were my parents’ focus and now it’s the grandkids … I’m still lost in the shuffle.  

So when life gets the better of me, I don’t always feel I can depend on my family – they have their own lives to worry about and when I do reach out, I’m told to get over it or that I’m overreacting to a small matter.  

I’ve learned to just keep to myself when life gets rough … but I still believe that if I had a true support system, things would be better.  Don’t get me wrong, I have some great friends I can count on … but sometimes you want to be comforted by the people you call family, who you’ve always been there for. 

Those are also the times I miss being in a relationship.  I see women who have their boyfriends or husbands to pick up the slack, help them out, etc … and I envy that.  I also envy those who have their family’s support.  My parents have never supported my dreams, or my business.  And no matter how much good I do, there’s always a chance for them to find fault – and they seem to revel in that finding. 

I think people with consistent support systems are the luckiest people in the world … and if your parents support a career that most think is a waste of time … you’re not only lucky – you’re amazingly blessed.

... Now these lessons aren’t ALL I learned in 2013 but they’re the first ones that come to mind as I’m writing this.  I’m sure I’ll add more later ... [Including all the obstacles between me and NYC]. 

2013 was rough for me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes creatively … but any year I’m able to grow and learn … and SURVIVE … is a blessing. 

So as I was last year – I’m thankful for the lessons and the blessings … and I hope to continue to grow and receive even more in the coming year. 

I have no New Year’s resolutions … My only hope for every New Year is to be and do better than I did the year before … and so far, I’ve been successful. 

Happy New Year everyone.  Here’s to another year of growth .... in every aspect J