Me & NYC

Ever since I left NYC during a week-long visit back in 2006, I felt like it was where I needed to be.  

Not just wanted  – but needed. 

I carried the spirit of the city back to Louisiana with me and it has lingered ever since.

Years later I made a decision that in 2013, I would make the big move. 

I came back to my hometown after graduating college in 2001 to help raise my niece and nephew, who were left fatherless after my brother died. 

My niece was graduating from high school in 2013 and I figured that would be the perfect time to spread my wings and head back to the city that inspired me so.

When 2012 ended, I didn’t know if I’d be ready to uproot and move so far away with no family to support me when I got there. But by the time January 2013 ended, I knew I was ready … and with friends having recently moved there, I felt like I wouldn’t be alone once I made the transition. 

So the planning began. I wanted to move that summer, right before my 35th birthday so I could hopefully celebrate as a new resident of NYC.

Plan A had already been thwarted when I wasn’t accepted to film school, so I was depending on Plan B, staying with some of the friends from my hometown who had offered me residence until got on my feet.

I don’t know whether I was being too bothersome (I contacted one of them nearly every day for beginning January 1st), or whether the offer to help had expired, or what – but after months of attempting to communicate about it, I finally gave up just a couple of months before my birthday.


I turned 35 at home, alone … Though I felt defeated, I still had hope ...    

After I’d given up on communication with the hometown friends, I began communicating with a Facebook friend and fellow artist/photographer. 

As I worked on Plan C, I’d asked him (and many other social media friends who lived in NYC) about temporary housing, so I’d have somewhere to stay, he told me a hostel or other temp housing was no place for me … and offered his extra room. He said that he had someone help him when he first moved there and he’d love the chance to pay it forward. 

We communicated for a while and even met in person when he came home (he’s from this area too) to do some work with a few local musicians. It was a great opportunity to see if we meshed. I had no problem having a guy as a roommate but I needed to feel his vibe ... and after a coffee date, I felt like we would vibe just fine. So it was a go.

Now, even though my moving date was postponed (now to November), my plans to move out of my apartment still went through – one of the most stressful and emotional things I’ve had to do in a long time. 

Not only was it heart-breaking leaving my residence of the past ten years – and consequently, my independence -- but having to move back into the (often negative) environment back at my childhood home was not an easy transition. But I tried to think positive … I felt like now that I had a new plan, being back in that house wouldn’t be so intolerable.

My new date for moving away was in November. I wanted it to be symbolic so I chose 11-12-13 … but after having spent so much on my move-out, I decided to give myself a bit more time and just stay through the holidays. My new date changed to late January of 2014. I alerted my future roomie and he was fine with it.

Since our face-to-face, the future roomie and I had been communicating by phone (calls or text). I wasn’t able to Skype at my parents’ house and he’d deactivated his page. But I felt we were keeping contact pretty regularly considering both our crazy schedules.

Right around Thanksgiving, I’d texted him and asked for his email address because I had a plethora of questions and things to tell him that was too much to text. So I just emailed him everything.

After a few days I still hadn’t received a reply, so I texted to tell him to check his inbox in case he hadn’t already. After about a week, still no reply. So I texted … then called … for weeks. Nada.

At first I thought maybe something was wrong. Was he hurt … or worse? Or maybe he was in jail? Problem was … I had no one to contact to confirm that.

Once again I felt I was being bothersome by calling and texting every day.  Still, all the calls and texts were in vain. To this day, I still haven’t talked to him and that was late November. 

And look, I completely understand that things happen and plans change ... but communication is key and being left in the dark (again) just had me like W-T-F?


After the holiday madness ceased and the New Year rang in … the realization that I was back at square one set in, which gave way to a double dose of depression and anxiety.

I’d sacrificed much of my moving money to make the holidays special for my family (who decided to stay home at the last minute), so I had little time to get together the funds I needed to still attempt to make it to Fashion Week at the begin of February (since I now I had to pay for lodging). I had no clue what my next move was.


So I took a week to gather my thoughts, write and most of all PRAY.

Every time my anxiety about living in such a big city overcomes me, I wonder if maybe I should just stay put. Every time someone says something negative about my desire to relocate there, I wonder if their fears for me hold some truth. 

Every setback has me wondering if maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t go. And then the rare times I’d asked for help and completely depended on and trusted people, I was let down – not once, but twice. So maybe this just isn’t for me?

All of that has crossed my mind more than once. But then I realize that no matter how afraid I am or how overwhelming it may be, or how alone I may feel at first --- it’s what I want. And for one of the few times in my 35 years, I plan to go for what I want.

Though I have regretted many things I didn’t do in my life, I’ve never regretted pursuing what I wanted.  And honestly, being knocked down so many times makes me want it even more.  (Strange but true).

So I’m not giving up. As I said before, I’m delayed but not defeated.

I’m not depending on anything but faith from now on … and by HIS grace I will be in NYC before the summer.

I will hustle, I will grind, I will do whatever it takes – On My Own. Heck, that’s what I’ll have to do to when I get to where I’m going – at least for a while.

And maybe that’s the message God is trying to send. 

That I need to invest in, depend on and trust in Him to carry me through … That I can accept help but never totally depend on it … and to make this move on my own.

Whether that’s the message he intended to send or not, at the end of my emotional week, that’s what was in my heart. So I’m going to do just that.

I know now who I can truly count on and I thank everyone who helped and prayed for me up to this point. Please continue to do so at your will. But now it’s time for me to spread my wings and truly fly on my own – and chase MY dreams.

I don’t have a new date. I’m almost afraid to set one. But I do have a new focus on this long-awaited desire to live my best life and finally use my talents to the fullest.

I’ll see again you soon NYC … 

That you can count on. 

xoxo

- kw