I spent my new year with my first love …
Writing.
I stopped going out on NYE years ago and since my
family is out of town and I have no significant other, it was just me and my
laptop ringing in 2014. I basically journaled
my way into the New Year.
Reflecting on 2013, I recall some highs, but a lot
more lows. Many triumphs but many more
defeats … most of which were never shared with the public.
Some of it I still won’t talk about … but I will say
that 2013 was the year of Lessons Learned and I just wanted to share a few:
Lesson
1: DATING SUCKS …
Personally, 2013 was another year abstinent and
single. I vowed not to “date” this year,
but did try to put myself out there a little more. I learned that the dating scene is pretty
much the same. You have to entertain a
lot of lying-ass toads to find ONE that is halfway dateable. However, I did learn that I was admired from
afar, and thankfully – for once -- it wasn’t just because of lustful
desires.
Unfortunately, the rest of my male
interests were not so cultured and contributed to a lot of WTF moments and
reaffirmed that I needed to remain on the no-nookie list. I even had a few instances where lost loves
of the past tried to interrupt my present, and I was simply not having it. So I
guess you could say that even though I didn’t get to date as much as I would’ve
liked, I remained strong in my convictions – and that was a win.
If being true to myself means remaining single
then so be it --- because the man for me would respect my choice. I’ll just keep hoping we eventually run into
each other J
Lesson
2: WHEN YOU’RE
DOWN, YOU LEARN WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE ….
Also in my personal life this year, I discovered
(yet again) the meaning of friendship.
As I stated before, there were many lows.
There were times where I didn’t
want to get out of bed or my apartment. There were days where I cried for no
reason. Days that Big D and AD
double-teamed me and left me emotionally battered and bruised. I recovered, as I always do. But in 2013, for the first time in a LONG
time, I decided to swallow my pride and reach out for help… and the result was
a life-changing lesson.
My mental health was out of control and it was
affecting me personally and professionally … I felt like my life was in
danger. I needed some time off from grad
school and work, to focus on my health.
So I reached out to everyone I knew … people I’d helped in the past,
people I’d let bend my ear and cry on my shoulder, people whose businesses I’d
assisted or patronized, and people who I considered friends … I asked for
prayers, for them to share my business page, and for financial assistance so I could
take this much-needed break. For thefirst time I shared things only my best friend ever knew I was going through.
I exposed myself – and I hate
doing that – but I did it to get help. And
even though I have over 1000 thousand friends each on twitter and Facebook,
only FIVE came to my aid financially (thank you all!) and less than a DOZEN shared my pages or
offered their help in other ways. It
really opened my eyes.
I didn’t expect to meet my goal. I didn’t expect to be able to take that time …
but I expected more from these people who I’d helped numerous times and who
called me a Friend. When it was all said
and done, I got the break anyway … and God provided the money I needed … but
the whole situation left a sour taste in my mouth and I go into the New Year
knowing who TRULY has my back … and for that lesson I’m forever grateful.
I don’t need a lot of friends but I do need true friends – and I’m glad to know I have
a few in my corner if/when I need them.
Lesson
3: BAD BUSINESS CAN
KILL A FRIENDSHIP …
Another lesson I learned in 2013 is that sometimes
friends and business don’t mix, especially when people use your friendship to
take advantage of your business.
I did some A&R work for artists who were my
friends before the contract … free work … as long as they handled
business. Sometimes communication and
work ethic slacked and things didn’t get done.
But when I stood up for myself reminding them of the fees and time I was
sacrificing, I became the enemy. I was
looked at like I’d gone crazy and had no right to call them out.
When I literally had a breakdown and didn’t get one
item on the agenda accomplished, it was over.
I felt so betrayed because I’d worked so hard and now it was like I was
nothing to them. It definitely wasn’t
business … it was personal. We’re cool now, but it took some time to get back
there. I think we all (or at least most of us) learned from the
situation … Business Must Come First and Details Must Be Discussed Up Front.
… In another instance a friend asked me to shoot
some things for an upcoming event that would later be turned into a
mini-documentary. An offer of
payment was given up front but I couldn’t quote a price because I had no idea
how much work was involved before shooting.
I did the work, even gave more than was asked. More
than six months later, I still haven’t been compensated, even though my work is
being used for promotion and social media (which I created). When I tried to discuss the matter with the
friend and parties involved, I was blown off … so now I have to get formal –
and legal – over the matter.
It always kills me when people claim to be
professionals, and continue to ask for your help, but when things go wrong,
they don’t go out of their way to make it right. It
almost felt like a FWB situation … using someone for a season and then
disposing of them when they ask for too much.
I hate Users, and when it’s someone you considered a friend, it hurts
even more.
Even with
these disheartening situations, a lot of good came out of the experiences. I created some great work, even if I never
saw a dime for it. But I know next time
that I need a more detailed contract, including consequences if it is breached. Can’t ignore business for friendship ever
again.
Lesson
4: FRIENDSHIPS SOMETIMES
HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE …
I never thought I’d believe that but it’s true. There truly are people who are in your life
for only a season. Even if that season is a decade or two, sometimes you end up
outgrowing each other.
There are friends that I don’t talk to but a few
times a year but they will always be my friend … and when we DO talk, we fall
right back into that groove. Then there
are others who I see more often but we sometimes have to take breaks from each
other because we have very different lifestyles. Maybe they have kids and feel like I can’t
relate since I don’t … Or maybe they go MIA because of a new relationship and I
get put on the back burner … But those are the friendships I think that end up
expiring. No matter where life takes you, I think friends should be supporting
you on the way – not just when it benefits them.
I also feel like there should be no secrets with a
real friend, especially when it kind of involves them. I learned in 2013 of a big secret a friend
was keeping that she still hasn’t revealed to this day. I’ve been deceived and betrayed by friends
and best friends too many times before so I’m the type to cut my losses the
minute I smell bullshit. I won’t forget
these [fair-weather] friends, I just won’t invest anymore time or energy into
people who don’t seem to respect or value my friendship.
Lesson
5: YOU DON’T GET
COLLEGE CREDIT FOR RESILIENCE …
As most people know I’m a graduate student and have
been on this non-stop journey for 3 years now – Much longer than anticipated.
I originally aspired to go to film school but
after receiving a rejection letter, I took the safer option to pursue a Master’s
in Counseling. This may have been a
mistake, but after so much time spent, I’m to the point where I just want to
finish.
After my former school changed my program requirements,
I transferred to an online program that was focused on the niche I wanted to
pursue – Career Counseling. The online
school is a lot more expensive and I came to learn after a rough start that it’s
a LOT more work. I didn’t mind the work –
but when it’s compounded by health problems, family issues and entrepreneur life,
it’s a lot more to deal with.
I was making it though … until last year. This one class just seemed to be the one I
couldn’t get through. It wasn’t MY fault
that people didn’t want to tell their problems on camera for this Techniques
class but I ended up not passing it because of so many flaky mock clients. I was already in melt-down mode and close to
burning out when I was allowed to retake the class. Not even a month into classes, a friend of my
died – and I went into full panic mode … so much so that it took me another
month to recover. I bounced back and was
able to complete the requirements for the course but I guess it was too little,
too late and I got a C in the course.
In case you were wondering, grad school hates Cs …
so I was put on academic probation and threatened to have my financial aid
cancelled. With only one week in between
quarters, it was not enough time to appeal. Plus I was in the middle of a major transition
– moving out of my apartment – which was another emotional experience. I decided then and there to take a leave of
absence before I completely lost my mind.
When I finally appealed I was told that my mental
health problems, family issues, car trouble, business duties, the inability to
find mock clients (again) for the class, my friend’s death, etc … were no reason for
getting a C … and that the supporting documents were not acceptable. As for my health problems – no doctor’s note
= unacceptable. Without health
insurance, I can’t go see a real doctor or counselor and even clinics still
cost something … and the ER? Forgetaboutit.
So the school and I are now at an impasse.
This break has given me a renewed spirit because I
was able to focus on ME for a while … but the fact that this school cares
nothing about my personal struggle is what’s really unacceptable to me. I know
they’re in it to make money, but do I really want to go back to a school that
cares nothing about me to pursue a career in which I’m supposed to help people
through their struggles only to have my own deemed irrelevant?
Discussion points they care about. APA format they care about. My struggle? Not so much. Sigh. And the battle continues …
Lesson
6: SUPPORT SYSTEMS
ARE CRUCIAL …
When I was going through my orientation for my new
grad school, they had a list of characteristics that makes a successful online grad
student. One of things was a support system.
I’ve always been an independent person, even as a
child – but I kind of HAD to be. I was a
latchkey child at 9 or 10 years old, and creativity was born from being alone a
lot. Writing literally saved my life.
As an adult, living alone, I feel forgotten about
sometimes – just like I did as a child.
Back then my sick brothers were my parents’ focus and now it’s the
grandkids … I’m still lost in the shuffle.
So when life gets the better of me, I don’t always feel I can depend on
my family – they have their own lives to worry about and when I do reach out, I’m
told to get over it or that I’m overreacting to a small matter.
I’ve learned to just keep to myself when life
gets rough … but I still believe that if I had a true support system, things
would be better. Don’t get me wrong, I
have some great friends I can count on … but sometimes you want to be comforted
by the people you call family, who you’ve always been there for.
Those are also the times I miss being in a relationship. I see women who have their boyfriends or
husbands to pick up the slack, help them out, etc … and I envy that. I also envy those who have their family’s
support. My parents have never supported
my dreams, or my business. And no matter
how much good I do, there’s always a chance for them to find fault – and they
seem to revel in that finding.
I think people with consistent support systems are
the luckiest people in the world … and if your parents support a career that
most think is a waste of time … you’re not only lucky – you’re amazingly
blessed.
... Now these lessons aren’t ALL I learned in 2013 but
they’re the first ones that come to mind as I’m writing this. I’m sure I’ll add more later ... [Including all the obstacles between me and NYC].
2013 was rough for me physically, emotionally, spiritually,
and sometimes creatively … but any year I’m able to grow and learn … and
SURVIVE … is a blessing.
So as I was last year – I’m thankful for the lessons
and the blessings … and I hope to continue to grow and receive even more in the
coming year.
I have no New Year’s resolutions … My only hope for
every New Year is to be and do better than I did the year before … and so far,
I’ve been successful.
Happy New Year everyone. Here’s to another year of growth .... in every
aspect J
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